Let’s talk about libido. As someone who has spent nearly a decade in clinical practice, I’ve had the privilege of speaking with countless women about their health journeys. One of the most frequent topics that comes up is libido. Many patients frame it as a problem and ask, “What’s wrong with me? Why do I have zero libido?”
It’s one of my favourite topics to discuss, but not in the typical framework of “fixing” libido. Instead, I love to shift the conversation to focus on pleasure, desire, and arousal.
As Dr. Emily Morse explains in her book Smart Sex: “The secret to mind-blowing, earth-shattering sex has nothing to do with your body and everything to do with your mind. It’s about developing a new form of intelligence, becoming smarter about sex, and fully knowing yourself as a unique sexual being.”
So, let’s break it down. Understanding the terminology is the first step to cultivating what Morse refers to as “sexual intelligence.”
The Building Blocks of Libido
1. Desire – The emotion of wanting (often referred to as libido). This is the mental and emotional component.
2. Arousal – The physical signs or symptoms of mental or emotional stimulation. This is the physical component.
3. Pleasure – An experience that feels good and brings enjoyment.
How Physical Health Impacts Libido
While desire and pleasure often start in the mind, physical health plays a vital role in sexual well-being. Addressing physical health concerns is critical to supporting vitality and desire.
For instance, an imbalanced gut microbiome or chronic fatigue can make it difficult to embody pleasure. Feeling physically uncomfortable can block the mindset needed to enjoy intimacy. Similarly, hormone imbalances significantly affect both desire and arousal.
Hormones like estrogen naturally fluctuate throughout the menstrual cycle and play key roles in sexual desire and vaginal lubrication. During peri-menopause and menopause, estrogen levels dip and eventually stay consistently low, leading to challenges with arousal. In these cases, targeted support may be necessary.
When Physical Health Isn’t the Issue
Many women come to me saying they’ve worked hard to balance their hormones, prioritize sleep, exercise regularly, and eat nutritious foods, but their desire hasn’t shifted. Sometimes, it may even feel worse. When physical health isn’t the issue, it’s time to explore your mindset around pleasure.
Shifting Your Mindset: The Journey Is the Goal
Working on desire isn’t a quick-fix solution. Instead, it’s a process of curiosity and exploration. Start by asking yourself these questions:
Are you allowing pleasure into your life—sexual or not?
Do you feel guilt or judgment about experiencing pleasure?
Do you know what truly feels pleasurable to you?
What do you need to receive pleasure? (For example, do you need to feel sexy, have energy, feel supported, or experience connection?)
When do you feel most aligned with pleasure and desire? (Morning, afternoon, evening, or weekends?)
Do you find pleasure in your current sexual activity? If not, what is or isn’t working?
The Role of Pleasure in Desire
Pleasure isn’t limited to sexual activity. It’s a mindset and practice that can permeate every aspect of life. If someone struggles to accept any form of pleasure in their life, working on libido becomes challenging. In many ways, libido is about receiving and giving pleasure.
When we’re stuck in survival mode—constantly checking off to-do lists—pleasure often takes a backseat. However, embracing pleasure is essential for overall well-being. Sometimes, it’s okay to leave the house messy or skip a social event to indulge in something purely pleasurable.
Embracing Feminine Energy
Eastern philosophies often explore the concept of energetic dualities, such as yin and yang, to explain how systems work in harmony. The same principles apply to sexual energy. Feminine energy isn’t about gender but rather qualities like openness, creativity, fluidity, and sensuality. Masculine energy, on the other hand, is associated with logic, decisiveness, and structure.
Think about where your energy balance lies. Typically, leaning into your dominant energy can help your partner find their place on the spectrum, sparking attraction. For example, embracing feminine energy might involve activities that feel creative or fluid, such as dancing, taking a bath, or pampering yourself.
Our work and home lives often push us into masculine energy—structured, rigid, task-oriented—making it hard to switch to a pleasure-focused mindset. Scheduling time for intimacy and activities that amplify your feminine energy can help.
Start Small: Explore Your Feminine Energy
If you feel overwhelmed, start small. Reflect on these questions:
- Do you resonate more with feminine or masculine energy?
- What state dominates your daily life?
- What comes up when you explore feminine energy? (Strong goddess energy? Timidity? No judgment.)
- Can you give yourself permission to embrace pleasure?
- How can you add a moment of pleasure to your daily routine?
Schedule in time for intimacy: Scheduling intimacy can create space to reconnect with your feminine energy and shift out of daily routines. Dedicating time to self-care, dressing confidently, or indulging in pleasurable activities can nurture your sensual self and amplify intimacy, reigniting the spark with your partner.
Final Thoughts
When women ask, “What’s wrong with my libido?” I love flipping the script to focus on what’s right. Embracing pleasure, understanding desire, and exploring arousal are key components of a fulfilling sexual and personal life. Resist the quick-fix mentality and celebrate the journey of self-discovery. Remember, pleasure is positive, and pleasure is productive. Consider this your permission to add something pleasurable to your day—no matter how small.
